I hope it's not too late to wish you a Happy New Year! Let's hope that this year will bring only the best for your relationship. It has been an exciting year for us in the Survive LDR team, even though we are still early on 2019. This year, we are launching a new feature in our website, which is a podcast. We will be publishing our podcast episodes periodically and this is where you can listen to my conversation with fellow LDR couples and woman who has survived LDR.
In the very first episode of Survive LDR podcast, I talked to Sally from Leap Love Wonder blog. She has been in a Long Distance Relationship for more than two years with her partner Nuha. Among other things, we talked about facing insecurities during LDR and I can't wait to share it with you!
You can listen to the podcast here, and read the transcript below. Don't forget to follow Sally at her blog そして Instagram to connect with her. I hope you enjoy our ポッドキャスト and don't forget to follow us for more great episodes!
Sally's Tips on How to Deal with LDR Insecurities
Amanda: 00:00 Hello, I am Amanda and you are listening to SurviveLDR's podcast. This podcast is about how couples, survive their long distance relationships. Each episode I'm going to talk with LDR couples from around the world about their stories and experiences. Let's get started! Our guest today comes from Melbourne, Australia and she's in a long distance relationship for over two years now. Well I'm not going to speak much and we'll just let her introduce herself and let her tell her story. Hi Sally. How are you? Good. How are you? Good, good. So um, thank you for agreeing to be a part of this special project. And let's get started. Can you tell me more about yourself?
Sally: 00:58 Well, which you already know. I also work in admin currently. Um, yeah, that's pretty much all about me. Fully Australian. Um, yeah,
Amanda: 01:12 that's it. That's interesting. So I understand that you are in a long distance relationship with a special someone. Can you tell me more about your, um, your relationship and how did you two meet? How did you meet your lover?
Sally: 01:30 I met him in Austria when I was doing an exchange. So I did exchange in Salzburg. Yeah. So it was, you know, didn't think I'd meet anyone. Um, but I went to Salzburg was living in a dorm room and Nuha ended up leaving it to one of the rooms. And yeah, that's just how we met. Started talking. He made me African food. Ooh. Basically that my mouth, cause he loves spicy. And that was the end of it really. And we just started living together and freeze on. We are still together, so, yeah.
Amanda: 02:13 Wow. So it all started with, uh, with, uh, African food,
Sally: 02:21 very spicy African food, which I'm still trying to train Nuha, not to burn my mouth. I'm slowly training him, but um, yeah. So that's just how it started. Um, it's quite funny actually. I drank up all the juice. Didn't tell him it was too spicy. I was just drinking all the juice and no, it goes later. Two months later he goes to me. It was too spicy, wasn't it? I get, yes, it's pretty funny.
Amanda: 02:49 But you didn't tell him anything when you ate, when you ate it.
Sally: 02:53 I just didn't know it was good. And with Africans, Africans love to, eat, so you should eat all the food and it's like kind of like insulting if you don't, and insulting if you don't have, um, you don't have enough food. So he kept piling up my shit and then he gave me more and I'm like, oh no. So yeah, it was fine. Yeah. So that's how we met.
Amanda: 03:19 Well in this thing, I mean, who would have thought that, you know, a simple food a simple meal can, you know, can lead up to the opportunity of meeting your love. Right?
Sally: 03:33 Yeah. That's the best thing that happened to me. And they're like, oh,
Amanda: 03:39 so, um, now I understand that it happened in the past and it was, you said that you've been in a long distance relationship for two years now and,
Sally: 03:52 and eight months would be we were living together. Oh yeah. Yeah. And then I had to come back and finish Austria, which started out long distance journey basically.
Amanda: 04:06 Yeah. Okay. And here you are now. So you've been doing this for quite a while and I'm, I'm sure there has been an, you know, up and down, but what are the best things about being in a long distance relationship?
Sally: 04:27 Well, I think our communication is a lot better. Back in the day it was, I think due to Nuha's past, um, it was hard to communicate sometimes and I think just being a male,
Amanda: 04:42 I know right
Sally: 04:44 where it feels hard like to talk everything through. So I think because you don't have those other, we can't hardly do anything and we all we can do LDR is talk basically through the phone. Um, yeah, our communication got so much better. Also, I think we're stronger, um, due to the communication. We also understand each other better culturally and everything else. Whereas when we were living together it was, we didn't talk enough I guess. So yes, we learn more about each other.
Amanda: 05:19 Oh, that's good. That's good. So, uh, communicate, you mentioned communication is important and it also helped to make you stronger. So is it safe to say that it made you stick together despite the distance or are there other things that make you stick together? Cause you know, in this, in today's world it's, I know LDR is not really for everyone. Right. And um, you know, couples trying it out, but then some didn't succeed. But here you are passing two years already and still going strong. So what made you stick together despite the distance?
Sally: 06:02 I think communications helped us heaps, we learnt more about each other and we realized we were more, um, we're right for each other basically. Um, yeah, I think that was part of it. And also we had heaps of fights and these fights were just communication. Like we didn't have the right communication during the long distance, say at the start. Um, uh, we came through it so we were stronger. I think that's why we stuck through it because we learned so much from each other. Yeah, I think
Amanda: 06:37 so. It's more of a process and you know, facing problems together, communicating about it and learning, learning from every, every fights, every hurdles that you face together. Right.
Sally: 06:54 Yeah. And my view is I think it's quite like a normal relationship. Yeah. I think is you have to communicate more and yeah, that's, I think now that we have like videos, like chats, which I do a lot with them. We also do lots of other things like together, like workouts and things like that. Now that we've got the internet easy. So. Yeah.
Amanda: 07:21 Well that's good. That's good. Cause I mean, I can't imagine doing long distance before Internet.
Sally: 07:29 Oh my gosh. It would've been hard.
Amanda: 07:31 Yeah. By letter? Anticipating every letter that comes every, I don't know, three months. That's crazy.
Sally: 07:45 Yeah. I know. It's so expensive, but it's after a while. But yes.
Amanda: 07:52 But yeah, we're, we're lucky that we, you know, we have all of the, um, the supporting technology that we can use to communicate with our partners. Right? Yeah, exactly. But still I think, you know, I mean you mentioned that there are problems that are hurdles in your relationship and you also, I read about your blog, we're going to talk more about your blog later, but I just want to highlight that, um, you talk about insecurities in your blog. Um, so what is it about, like, can you tell me more about, um, the insecurities that you have faced or is it based on your, um, through stories to experience or, um, what can you tell me more about it? Okay.
Sally: 08:47 Yeah, I think everyone in a long distance relationship, I think that's one of the things, insecurities, because you say your partner, you don't know what they doing. You, it's a very different thing. They have the power basically. They can choose to ignore your call or pick it up. And I think earlier on being long distance. Um, Nuha didn't understand. I guess that, you know, need to call me every day for example. Or it's like that. Like if he goes out, it would be nice to just get a text of where you're going. Because you're long distance, it's so much harder to save. I go to call him and he didn't have credit, for example, we didn't have like, um, money for Internet. So when I called him and he's thinking, just went to voicemail, it would, you know, it'd be scary and I'd be like, where did you go?
Sally: 09:48 What were you doing? Kind of thing. And I think, um, that's normal. I've spoken to other LDR couples. the girls in those LDRs and they all felt same as me. That's why I decided to write that book that, you know, that article. So I think it touches a lot of people and I think anyone in the LDR would've felt that, especially at the beginning. Uh, right now. Um, I don't right now we're very good. I don't have any really insecurities because we went through that. Um, like now no one understands. Okay. Like I'll send her a text, I'm going to a party or things like that. And same with me. Like I'll text him because he also gets insecure. So it's, I think it's a big thing about LDR.
Amanda: 10:41 yeah, yeah. I, I understand because I, you're right. I mean I felt it too. I, you know, just the fact that you are not there I think and you don't know, you don't have enough information, you don't know anything about what's going on in his life. It's kind of um, you know, make you make, you wonder, make you think about the things that you shouldn't be thinking.
Sally: 11:08 And also people are talking like, you know, probably most would have had their friends and family be like, how LDR is not normal. A lot of them I think have never been in an LDR and a lot of them think that your partner's going to cheat and that's what they say to you basically. So it doesn't help. Yes. So all that combination all that together causes you to feel that way. And that's why I wrote it and I knew all the tricks I tried and so like everything on that list that I wrote, I tried at one point we tried, that's why I was like, I thought it would be helpful just cause it really helped us. Now we've got to the point where we don't do half of these things and we trust each other. Bullied. Um, yeah. And I think it's just tools to use, not ongoing, but to use till you get to that comfort zone.
Amanda: 12:09 Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So it's, I mean, when, I don't know if our listeners, if our blog readers read about your blog they might be, I mean they might be, they might feel overwhelmed with all the things that you listed in that article, but in reality you don't actually have to follow everything, but it's just, yeah, it's just some, some guide that you can try to build up the comfort zone and then to get rid of the insecurities. Right?
Sally: 12:46 Every relationship's different. Even though you're an LDR, it's going to be different to any other LDR you're going to be. Say you may be no relationship, you have certain tests, communication. Your partner is very talkative and says everything he's seeking. Whereas you might've been another one where the um, your partner shuts down or you know, like we've had issues like that exam. It just depends who you're with. No relationship is the same and that means tricks you use aren't the same. That's why I listed a few because some might work you, some might not. Yes. Need to make sure your partner agrees, otherwise it won't work. I think that's part of communication, like LDR is just communication.
Amanda: 13:34 Right. But I completely agree with what you just said and you know, it's, it's amazing that you've managed to overcome those insecurities. I guess that's um, you know, um, I'm glad to hear that. Um, it work, you know, it worked out for you. You managed to get rid of them. So how did you overcome those insecurities? I know we talk about, uh, you thought, I mean, I know you talk about it in your blog, but just in case our listeners haven't read the article yet, can you tell us a little bit more like maybe two or three of the things that you wrote about on off? How did you overcome those insecurities?
Sally: 14:19 Well, yeah, so at the beginning, I think one of the things was planning when we hold each other. Like, I know it sounds long, but you'll be surprised at what your partner thinks. Your partner might think you call once a week because guys are very different.
Amanda: 14:35 I know, I know.
Sally: 14:40 I think a lot of girls will find that life. Um, I think I read after me, I, when I started the relationship, I was googling a lot going on, is this normal? Is this, and then I realized later that every LDRs different, but planning is very, I think at the beginning I think is very important because you check out what things he thinks should happen, what do you believe should happen and then you find like the middle grounds. So for us, we were calling each other. Like I told him, we call him every day. Like I don't care if it's just 10 minutes. Um, and even though that plan didn't stick the whole time, you change due to our lives. Like I might've gotten a new job or Nuha was, um, you know, busier that day or whatever was happening. At least we had like a kind of, and I knew what was going on. Uh, which leads to my other thing, whereas taking pictures. So sometimes, Nuha might not have called me that day. So he might've gone to a party. So instead he just sent me a picture where he's at. Um, show me. Oh yeah. See I'm at a party. Like I know it sounds stupid.
Amanda: 15:56 Oh No, not at all. Sorry. No, it's not stupid.
Sally: 16:02 Yeah. So like, and also like I'd go out to do, you know, and I'll take a selfie like I still do occasionally. Like, cause you know, sometimes insecurity pops up, you know. But yeah, so like I'll take a selfie with my friends and even though like helps insecurities, but it also makes them feel involved in your lives. So I think it goes both ways. So it's good. Like I think it's a really good thing to do. And I think the other thing would probably be texting. So making your partner, where were you going? Like if you say you can't pick up the phone, so you go to the movies, just texting your partner, hey, I'm going to be a movie for the next two hours. If you know they're about to wake up, like for us at five o'clock, like that's when he usually gets up. It's 9 o'clock in Austria. Say like I just texted him before saying I'd be doing this so that he didn't go, oh my God, who are you talking to you for an hour. So yeah, I think that communication and sharing I think is mainly the main themes that I tried to bring out with my insecurity. So yeah.
Sally: 17:31 Yeah.
Amanda: 17:35 Oh, okay. Well that's interesting. So planning is important. And then sharing pictures. I did that too. I did that too actually. I mean we used to share a lot of pictures between each other, cause back, uh, back then when, um, in our long distance relationship, um, I'm used to send pictures, so about our life, about the places that we go to on a daily basis. So when we visit finally visit each other, we already get a gist of the place that we are going to, you know, like, oh, okay. I have a picture of what his life is all about from the pictures that he used to send me. So I agree with that. I completely agree with that. Sending pictures seems like, uh, you know, like a petty thing to do, but it actually helps a lot with my long distance relationship too.
Sally: 18:35 Yeah, I think it's important because then like they feel involved in your life as well because they know they can see and like my circumstances, like Nuha can't even visit me so he doesn't know anywhere I go. He doesn't know any of my friends properly. He certainly met them through the phone. So it's a real big thing. Like, um, yeah and I think one more I'll add because I think, I think I'm trusting your gut. Like with your friends, the friends and family, we care about you but they don't understand relationship. And I think they mean well, they may say stuff that well, why is he doing that? Uh, but you have to trust you that that's really important too. Like you can't just believe what your friends and family say all the time. Because if I do that are like me know or probably wouldn't have survived.
Amanda: 19:29 Yes, yes, yes. That's actually a very important part. At the end of the day it's, you know, you are doing it yourself, not everybody else. So people can talk, people can say all things, but you get to listen to your heart and your gut. Right?
Sally: 19:49 Yeah, I agree. Yeah, definitely. I think friends and family, I think LDR have a very negative, everyone has a negative view about LDR. Unfortunately. Yes. Even before I was in LDR I was like, no, it doesn't work, but once you're in it, you go, wait a second. No, this works. I know as much I don't want to lead him and yeah, we can make this work. And it's what made feel more happier with him being my LDR partner and having a boyfriend say here that I don't really, do you know what I mean?
Amanda: 20:25 Yeah, yeah. I completely understand. Yeah.
Sally: 20:29 So it's like he's here anyway. It's just he's not physically. Yeah. So, yeah,
Amanda: 20:35 I think with LDR you get to, I mean, if you're with the right person, with the right partner, you get to connect in a deeper level, even though you're not together in rather than, you know, being in a physical, in a close proximity but then don't really, don't really connect that deep. Right.
Sally: 20:59 Yeah. I think, we connect deeper. um, me and Nuha, like we are so much closer now. Like we understand each other fully. Like I think then when we were living together living together as another big thing. But you have to, you depended on communication like, so yeah. And might say if he gets angry and he doesn't talk to you for a day, like it's a big deal because you cannot contact him. Yes. Yes. It's a real trusting you build trust, um, because like you have to have trust in the LDR if you don't have trust. It's not like, you know, if you don't build that task, it's not going to work. And I think that's why insecurities is a big issue and that's why, yeah. You need tricks to overcome it. So, yeah.
Amanda: 21:53 Yes, yes. Well, you mentioned about trust and that's exactly the, the next topic that I want to talk about with you because you know, like you said trust and securities are kind of, you know, um, tied to each other. So we all know, we both agree. I think that it's a major thing in long distance relationship, every LDRs. Um, what is your experiences with it? Any, any tips, suggestions about how to deal with trust issues?
Sally: 22:28 Um, well like I think Nuha for a while had a lot of trust issues with me and I think it's part of the time that we both are from different cultures. Like, you know, like some of those sides. I think when you're African you're African friends, like what you know and vice versa. Like people get a bit shots by the meeks and the different cultures. So he's hearing stuff, he's side and then on hearing stuff from my side so it can affect us trusting each other. I think that was a big, I think trying to just trust him and not listen to my friends and family totally was a big thing. And to overcome that, I think, um, all the insecurities I mentioned before, like their tips like, that I think that's way to try and, you know, build that trust. Um, so then they get so used to use any pictures sending texts that it's so transparent that they're like, oh, Yay, you're not, you're doing the right thing by me. You know what I mean? Like if you don't do those things, if you're not safe, you're not open to the those things, then he started to go. He why you're not open to it. And that's where more insecurities come, I guess. So I think that's why I suggest both do it together so that, yeah, that makes sense.
Amanda: 23:59 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That makes sense. Yeah.
Sally: 24:03 So yeah,
Amanda: 24:04 I think, well the key thing here is, um, you know, have, again, back to it all started with communication, like you mentioned before and then having, even having your partner agree, both of you have to decide what are the best things that you can do to deal with those issues. Right. Like you said, every LDR couples are different, even though we are, we're talking about this and that in this, in this podcast now, but you know, our listeners may be think that it's not a good thing to do with their relationship or you know, other listeners maybe agree hundred percent with what we are talking about. At the end of the day, it all comes with the two of, you know, with you and your partner. Right.
Sally: 24:54 And I'd love to hear how other people are going to overcome it. I think it's worth sharing because I think a model LDR couples misread this and it's really difficult. And I know there's different ways. Like I see people, like I was looking at activities, LDR couples do and that's right. That is to each other. Whereas my relationship, we wouldn't do that. And to be honest, I'm not like, we're not like that to be Ooh, romantic.
Amanda: 25:25 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sally: 25:27 Great. So like I get that and I'd love to hear what other people do. I think it's worth sharing. And I that's part of the reason why I did it cause I was getting lots of people asking me questions of how I survived my LDR and what tricks I use and the feelings I feel. like for example, the insecurity thing was one of the top things like yeah, it's scary. It's like you are bipolar or something when you first do LDR. So yeah, that's why.
Amanda: 26:01 But yeah, it's, I mean we all, I think every couples in a long distance relationship must have had insecurity at some point in their relationship. I mean I can't imagine, you know, being in a long distance relationship and having it all smooth sailing. I don't think that's, I don't think that's possible. Okay.
Sally: 26:27 It's a big adjustment. Like you not together, you're not in the same country. And I think to be honest with you, I think it's tests relationship. Like there will be some couples that can't make LDR. And I think that's because you realize you probably not match as much as you thought because you signed to just talk more. And maybe he has different ideas of your future or like, and I think it's will make or break you. I think in a relationship, like I think my relationships way stronger. We've had major fights but it's made us better. So, yeah,
Amanda: 27:06 Um, you know, fighting is, you know, having an argument fighting with your couple are not, is not necessarily a bad thing. In reality. It can help you to, you know, make your relationship stronger, to make, you know, to make you get to know each other. But the, so if you're listening to this podcast and you're having insecurities, you're having doubts, you're having arguments, fighting with your couples, please don't get discouraged. Like, you know, like Sally here, she has a lot of experience myself as well. We, you know, you can do this, we all can do this. As long as you communicate, you talk about it with your partner, you know, you work together and
Sally: 28:01 I think it's healthy. I think if you don't fight, that's worse because that means you not, I guess he's not telling you when he's upset or, yes. So I think it's actually better, so, but that's not like every relationship is different. Maybe you hadn't for maybe a really good communicators, which I wish I was, but fighting's normal and healthy so don't be discouraged. I totally agree with that.
Amanda: 28:31 Yes. Yes. So, um, before we, well, we only have little bit to talk about and it's going to be about, you know, you've done it, you've done it, you are still doing it. You're, you know, you're going strong. It's over two years already now. What advice can you share with other LDR couples out there? I think you both have to be on the same page. On the same page. I think it would be even looking at my blog or looking at other blogs. So they give you advice discussing with him. Just do things like for example, I mentioned tracker, like that is just me. No, it was more of a joke when we did that. Like you need to be sharing that don't go and put a track on his home and then not tell him like it ends up creating a not nice. I know, I think being a team is very important in LDR. You need to support each other. Um, and agree on everything, you know, most things. Anyway. So yeah, I think that's my advice and communication. I'll, I think every LDR couple will tell you that communication is key. Yeah.
Amanda: 30:03 Okay. So I completely agree. You got to be a team and you know, like we mentioned several times already that you know, you have to talk about it with your partner, communicate and at the end of the day just be a team. That's a great advice.
Amanda: 30:25 thank you for everything that you have shared. I mean it's, it's a pleasure to talk with you to hear about your stories and experiences. And before we close off, close this off, can our listeners connect with you? I mean, we talk about your blog and you know, I believe our listeners, you know, be curious when they want to read more about their blog, they want to read more about your stories. So how can they connect with you on social media?
Sally: 31:03 Well, I do have an instagram it's called leap love wonder, which is the name of my blog. So it also, because Leap Love Wonder is, abnormal, it usually just pops up if you google it. Okay. So then, and that will help you find my blog. So it's leap love wonder. Um, and I don't know whether we can create like are you gonna put this on your blog? Yes, yes. So I maybe we can put a link underneath the podcast for sure. So yeah. Yeah. That's how you can find me. Say if you want to, you know, see lovely pictures of me and Nuha, um, and also read more about our story. Please follow and Like and all the rest of it. So Sally, you can reach out
Amanda: 31:56 to Sally, through her website, which I will link in our post for sure. It's leaplovewonder.com. And her instagram also is @leaplovewonder. So you can follow her, connect with her and follow her story with her. Amazing Nuha, right?
Sally: 32:18 Yes. Oh, well I wish you the best with your relationship. I hope you continue to be strong to, you know, to have to have a meaningful relationship despite the distance. And I hope you can close the distance, soon enough, hopefully. Yeah, hopefully very soon.
Amanda: 32:40 So, yeah. Oh, well thanks a lot, sally, for the time, for the experiences and sharing with our listeners. It's been, it's been a pleasure talking to you. Well, see you soon. Bye bye.