“His girl is moving to Italy? I don’t think it could work, man. It’s an LDR. It’s never gonna work out.”
I heard a friend I’ve known for a while say this recently, and it took a lot of patience to not have a violent reaction to it. I realized that he is just one of those guys who would never understand long-distance relationships. These are the guys you should never even dare to date long distance.
I’ve always been a supporter of long-distance dating, even when I am not in one. I find it really sad when people say something negative about LDRs. I’ve been in several long-distance relationships, and I can say that even though not all LDRs work out, many of them not only survive—they thrive.
You just have to take the time to get to know people first to see if you can date them long distance. If dating men who live far away is something you really like to do, or if you, like me, who believe that meeting the man of my life is not limited by distance, there are things you have to consider first.
You have to be very critical. Determine which kinds of men you should never bother dating long distance and which are worth having a relationship with.
I have probably dated three or four men who live on different sides of the world. Each relationship had its good sides and bad sides. But they are each the type of man I would never, ever bother dating again. Why? Let’s see what kinds of people they are.
The pessimistic one
This is the guy who would constantly think that it is never going to work out if you just stay in an LDR for a long time. He may tell you he really likes you, but he just does not see any future with you if you do not live in the same place at the same time.
The pessimistic one includes my friend who always says negative things about long-distance dating. Even when you try to help him understand, he won’t.
If you date a guy who always says negative things, then it would also probably make you feel bad all the time, and it would not make for a good long-distance relationship.
The unsure one
This guy really likes you, and he wants things to work out between the two of you, but he is just not sure about it. It is kind of difficult to deal with this kind of guy since his uncertainty will most definitely affect how you feel about your relationship.
The guy you date must be able to provide stability in your relationship. If he is unsure about what he wants, then you will also constantly worry about it. That is not something you would want in a long-distance relationship.
The one with no definite plans
When we get into any kinds of relationship, we, of course, hope that we could make future plans with the person we are with. We want to have something we can look forward to. If you are in an LDR, planning visits, thinking of things to do when you are apart and when you are together, and, of course, closing the distance are some of the important things we do. If someone you are trying to get into a relationship with does not have any definite plans and cannot give you any concrete details about what he wants to do in the future, then that will make long-distance dating very difficult.
The one-way-street one
This is the guy who won’t make any extra effort to please you or make you happy. Instead, this guy would probably always make things be a little bit more complicated and hard for you. I’d say no to this guy because no one deserves to be given tough love, especially if you are also doing your best to put in extra effort for him.
The hot-and-cold one
One day, this guy is all over you, sending you so many messages asking what you are doing just to get your attention. Then, the next day, he becomes quiet and a cold. Stay away from this guy.
The one who does not think communication is important
In a long-distance relationship, constant communication is the most important thing of all. You do not get to see each other every day, but it is a basic rule that if you want to get involved in each other’s lives, you have to make sure you can talk—no matter how busy you both are.
The one who does not get you involved in his life
When you are dating long distance, there are so many things you cannot do together, but with the help of modern technology, it is now possible to know what is going on with your partner. There are so many apps and programs you can use nowadays so you can defeat the constraints that distance impose on your relationship.
However, if you feel like this guy does not really want you to know everything that is going on with him, then he is not actually letting you into his life. How would you know what he likes and dislikes if he also restrains himself from telling you everything you want to know about?
The one who waits
You need a guy who will take charge and does not just wait for you to make the first move. You want him to be confident, to hold your hand and to guide you through things.
Two of the guys I dated long distance were actually my friends first. We lived and went to school together. Before our relationship turned into an LDR, we already knew each other too well. They weren’t the right fit for me to have an LDR with.
There are several qualities and characteristics that a guy you would dare to date long distance must have, and it is important that you are aware of these things. You have to be able to know if you are also willing to go against all odds and take the chance of getting in a relationship with them. Of course, you also have to give them the benefit of the doubt and try to see if you could both work things out. Loving someone requires understanding and patience, and you really need to try your best to love each other’s positive and negative sides.
What other types of men should you stay away from when getting into a long-distance relationship?
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Hey Diana,
Great article, helped me to understand an OkCupid flirty-but-still-just-friends relationship I had a few years back with a guy from Australia. We Skyped once, and he kind of pulled back. I guess kind of part realizing the distance and part realizing the potential lack of chemistry? Or it was my Chicago accent and personality haha. We’re still friends on Facebook and it’s rly nice to still see him post stuff sometimes (which is often activist artsy stuff which i mean that’s why i liked him !).
I think I can get involved with a new guy who I saw works in my field but lives in LA. I found his Insta, but he’s kind of higher up in the field I’m in. We haven’t met at all, so it would be a jump into the deep end. Thoughts on messaging him first? Any advice on how to word the first message?
Cheers!
Becca