It just seemed so…sleazy.
I had all of these preconceived ideas about long-distance sex on Skype and equated it with porn somehow. You hear about the girls with the live cams. When Todd first brought it up, I was kind of insulted, like, ‘I can’t believe you see me that way.’
Todd had gotten transferred out of state and visits are short and infrequent. We were missing each other. Missing time in bed. But long-distance sex? I really wasn’t sure.
It took several more conversations, a foray into phone sex, and a tiny new vibrator my husband sent me before I said ok.
We got on camera and we both were laughing at first…well, I was laughing, nerves probably. But then he told me to close my eyes and he started describing this beach where we first made love. Then he was describing me and what I was wearing, the feel of the sand, the heat of the sun…
He started telling me what he was ‘doing’ to me. He told me to take off my shirt and I actually did it. My pants. I followed him, getting more and more into it. Then he told me to take off my panties and get the vibrator. I quickly realized that somehow, he was controlling the vibrator! It was like we were actually together in the same room. Things got really, really hot.
Now, not only do we have long-distance sex, but when we’re together, our sex life is so much more interesting. We use details and fantasies from our long distance trysts and we also use the new sex toys we’ve accumulated, including the OhMiBod from the SurviveLDR site Todd had found. It totally upped the intensity factor to our real-life sex life during visits.
Todd and I aren’t alone. 14 million couples in the U.S. reported being in a long distance relationship in 2017. That’s a lot of people who don’t have regular physical access to their partners. So long-distance sex is definitely a thing.
But how does it work? Is it possible to be aroused with your partner just on a screen? And is it safe and private? All it takes is a little adaptability, willingness, and some support and new ideas like you’ll find on SurviveLDR.
The first thing to remember is that just because you’re online with your sweetie, it doesn’t mean he’s in the mood or even available for sex. Maybe he has something scheduled or maybe he’s distracted by something that happened at work. You don't need to ask him if he wants to have sex, but you can text or email during the day to see if he might be interested and available. Another option is to take the indirect route, which makes it more of a seduction. You can ask how he is and how his day went, find out if he’s eaten supper and what he’s doing later. If it seems the timing is right, you can throw out a tease: “Wondering if you’d like to see the new bra I’m wearing.”
You can certainly do some advanced preparation that can make the experience more exciting. Cosmo suggests coming up with a list of 10 things you’d each like to do to one another. This can be used for talking dirty or for some enactment during the session. You don’t necessarily have to share the list with your partner as you’re creating it, but you could initially as you’re both learning about this new way to connect sexually. Brainstorming together could be fun. And certainly, if you want to have list that’s longer than 10, go for it! Maybe you want to try a sex toy you’ve never used; there are great ones made specifically for couples in long distance relationships. Or perhaps you’d like to experiment with S&M, which could feel safer with long-distance sex. Also think about dressing for the occasion. What outfit does your partner love to see you in? What does he love to discover underneath? Take things a step further. A Teddy? Nipple pasties?
Build up to itBustle suggests warming up with email and “sexting,” talking about what you miss with your partner, or perhaps reading erotica together. Have you tried phone sex? If not, that’s another step you can take that might feel less scary and help you build up your confidence, instead of exploring how to have sex on FaceTime right off the bat.
As youngsters, all mammals use play to learn something. Humans play as kids but then we grow up and get way too serious. Sexuality and seduction are arenas for adult play. The tone and intent are different but the experience is similar. The world of pretend has no limits.
Yes, you may feel initially embarrassed and vulnerable. But those feelings go away. Ever thought it might be fun to strip? Or just perform some dirty dancing? Most men will appreciate your effort and some could even surprise you later by doing a male version for your own pleasure.
Sex toys can also be playful, particularly the ones you can use long distance. We bought the Fleshlight Launch and Kiiroo Fuse Couple set and loved that each of us could control some of the other’s experience. The element of power can definitely be surprising and playful.
What kind of seductress would you love to play if you were in a film? Look around your bedroom and use your imagination. Maybe you could be totally naked behind a dresser that’s moved out from the wall. Maybe you could wear one article of his clothing under yours and have it be a surprise…or perhaps you call him after a shower, wearing only a towel. The possibilities are endless. The point is to make long-distance sex fun and playful.
A heart-shaped box of chocolates. Candlelight. Bubble baths. Think of romance as a warm-up to foreplay. Most of us pack tons of romance into the first six months of our relationship and then, well, we win the person’s heart and body and just get busy. In a long-distance relationship, we can bring romance back as we figure out how to have sex on Messenger. The key here is to consider what your partner finds romantic as well as communicating what would melt your own heart. The dying art of snail mail is a great and vast arena for romance: poems, love notes, thank-yous, even penned stories about memorable moments can plant a seed for great long-distance sex later on.
Now, don’t let me be a party pooper, but if you’re learning how to have long-distance sex, you need to understand the limitations of the medium. Lighting is a huge factor. Most video chat platforms have a little box in which you can see yourself and check your lighting; if you can, organize your setup so the light is in front of you rather behind you. And while it’s great to use candles, you’ll want another light source if it’s nighttime so your partner can actually see you. But you don't have to settle for unflattering fluorescents. You can get creative and rig up a flashlight with a theater lighting gel duck taped on. Or, even easier, point a standing lamp at the wall near you but not directly on you. Have the candle between you and the camera.
If you’re using sex toys, make sure the batteries are working, or if they are chargeable, charge them in advance.
Sound is also very important. You may need to wear ear buds so your partner’s voice doesn’t feed back. Also make sure you know how far you can stray from the computer’s microphone before your partner can no longer hear you.
If you’re not used to talking dirty or “performing,” you can practice when you’re home alone. Some women practice in front of a mirror, or you could videotape yourself and then review the footage. You can even take a class in talking dirty! Once you have some practice under your belt, doing those same moves for your partner on Skype won’t feel quite so awkward.
Do you enjoy writing? For many people, writing sexual scenarios is much easier than talking about them. But it doesn’t have to be either or, if you get creative about long-distance sex. Sometimes writing about characters who aren’t us can loosen up our imagination and take our fantasies into a whole new world. You could also collaborate with your spouse on a story: you write the first paragraph, he writes the second, etc (this works very well with email which speeds things up so you finish a story quickly).
Although long-distance sex means you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant or contracting AIDS, you should consider a few issues before bringing video into your sex life. For example, dating coach Laurel House advises that we don’t do this on a first date or with someone we meet online because it could ruin the chance for a long-term healthy relationship
Also, make sure what you do stays between you and your partner. Your view on the screen is limited to what the camera is pointing to. If you don’t know your partner very well, you might be opening yourself to other people watching whom you can’t see, or even someone videotaping the session with an external camera. Make sure you give minimal information on your profile and use the privacy settings to protect yourself.
Like with anything, learning how to have great long-distance sex is a process. I went from embarrassed and resistant to fully gung-ho in just a few months. I still miss Todd, but our sexual connection is going strong in spite of living in different cities. If you’re open, you’ll learn as you go and most of all, give in to the joy of it. The opportunity to learn and grow together will strengthen your relationships.
And you’re sure to have lots of fun along the way.
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